but when its gone, what would you say...
how do we hold on?

its so ridiculous.
and i've been in such a shitty mood since friday.
which is especially gay, because i had been so happy the week before this.

crying, thinking, praying.

why did it have to be this way?
why can't i experience it for myself?
no, don't tell me how i'm going to feel,
how things are going to turn out.
how am i ever going to know for myself?
-you don't need to know-
i want to know.

i wish i knew what He wants for me in this.
i have no patience to wait.

and i'm too stubborn to admit, that deep down...

they're probably right.

but i dont want to say it.
because for right now, its making me happy.
whats wrong with being happy?
i really don't know.

thats why i'm waiting for my answer.
trying to accept it.

its really hard, you know.
to try and find the positives in everything.

but i'm trying to find it in this.
make it an experience of love, trust, patience , strength.. control.
friends are so inspiring.
its so much easier to listen to them and agree with them
than your parents.

i think thats an obvious statement for most teenagers these days..

its hard i must confess,
'cuz we have spoken everything short of 'i love you'

just..
pray for me.
i'll get through this.
i'm strong like that.
.. or i'll pretend i am, anyway.

And it may take some time to patch me up inside
But I can't take it so i run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right

this is what God wants for me.
and i'm going to try my best to accept it.
even though i dont understand it..
hopefully i will soon..
and i'll let you know.